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Jul. 18th, 2011

Several housemates are moving out and I'm thinking of posting up a list of house rules for when people come do viewings. Nothing crazy and strict, just some general rules.

My list is as follows:

1. Everyone tidy up after yourself, this includes all communal areas.
2. Things like toilet roll/washing liquid/sponges work on a communal basis. If you notice its getting low, go get some.
3. Guests are absolutely welcome, just be aware of noise levels if you're having a late party as some of us work weekends.
4. Please be considerate of the house if you're coming and going in the wee hours. We have very loud doors.
5. Don't leave the living room windows open when no one is downstairs, the house has been burgled in the past.
6. Everyone will be expected to pay council tax, including students. Everyone is expected to pay bills within a few days of them being posted up.

Anyone have suggestions?
Carl has an appointment with a specialist next month. True to form, he's had very few bad attacks recently though he says most of that is the relief of seeing a specialist. Both of us want to take the day off work and I'm going to go with him. I'm going to try to make a big list of what symptoms he has, when they started, what works, what doesn't, etc with as much detail as I can. I think it'll help. He specifically asked me to come with because it's harder for him to remember details because where he just thinks, omg i'm in agony, I'm the one that notices things like, it's mostly in his left jaw/ear. He thinks, I've been in pain forever, it's me who notices that maybe this time it's settled down in an hour and a half. So he'd like me there.

House hunting is going nowhere fast but that's how it goes. We're still looking. A colleague asked me yesterday "Have you tried..?" and I interrupted her and said "Literally whatever you are going to ask, the answer is yes. We are trying everything and everywhere." I absolutely understand that people are trying to help and I definitely take it in the sense that it is offered but they are no help at all. People keep offering me listings that I've seen and dismissed already. Went to a viewing today which was totally unsuitable and one yesterday which was beautiful but too expensive and also was populated with Real Adults. I am not comfortable with Real Adults.

Also I have an appointment tonight at 5 to get my hair done. Getting a couple inches off and layers put in. Just a change. And I've got two more days off and I'm thinking of asking Carl to help me dye my hair. Maybe a funky colour. I haven't decided yet.

Jun. 18th, 2011

After several emails with my sister who refused to admit there was anything wrong with what she'd said, it ended in an email which read "I didn't even read this. I'm having some complications right now and literally can't be stressed. So whatever you said I'm sure is a lashing and more jabs about how you think i'm a horrible person, like you always do.

consider my lesson learned."

So, she's being as childish as ever. I'd hoped that a second marriage and second pregnancy might be teaching her to be an adult but that was obviously a stupid idea. So I decided to screw her if she's going to be that way. She has single-handedly shredded my family and she will have to square with that someday.

So in the meantime, since I can't afford to go home and by all accounts things back home suck anyway, I decided I'm going to spend more time with my adoptive family, carl's family. I'm over there tonight because one of my housemates is throwing a party tonight and i have to work in the morning.

Jun. 16th, 2011

My sister disgusts me sometimes. If someone has just died, don't go on facebook and say that since it was drug-related, she deserved it and she's paying the price for her selfish choices. That kind of thing is just disgusting.

Edit: Emailed my sister basically saying, what the hell, that is NEVER acceptable, you should be ashamed of yourself. Which has basically shattered any hope I had of a reconciliation but damnit, it seems like everyone is just too scared to tell her what they think. I'm not scared of her anymore. If kindness didn't work then maybe she needs to be told to grow up.

Jun. 6th, 2011

Carl went back to the doctor today. He had a blood test last week or two weeks ago. He's previously been given codein which hasn't worked and anti-depressants which haven't worked. But we're sort of learning to manage the pain with relaxation techniques. Last Tuesday he was over and he was really worried that he was going to have another bad bout. Like, he was starting to edge up the pain scale, and panicked and spent about an hour crying in my bed about how he can't do another 3 days of agony with no sleep, etc etc. My theory is and has been that he just needs to calm down and relax. One episode of QI put forth the idea that much of our actual experience of pain is simply the ANXIETY of pain.

I've definitely noticed it with my periods, that when I think OH SHIT THIS IS GONNA SUCK and I fight it and I tense up trying to fight it, painkillers don't work as well and I'm in tons of pain. But the last two periods I had, I just took some ibuprofen, put on a heat pack or hot water bottle on my tummy, and just did my best to relax, keep breathing, and let it happen. And I really noticed a marked difference in my pain levels. So I genuinely believe a large amount of his pain is that he starts feeling pain and then thinks, oh god I'm going to be in pain forever, and he gets very tense and that makes him worse.

On Tuesday, I let him cry himself out, made him a hot water bottle, tucked him into bed, and put on some old episodes of QI to watch and distract himself with. And he turned out to be alright. He was still in pain but instead of being up all night in agony, he managed to sleep.

So at this point I think my theory is justified. But he has been out of pain since last Tuesday and as a result when he went to the doctor's today, the doctor pretty much said "Well I think you might be getting better or at least you're learning to deal with it." I was surprised that he didn't get any of his prescriptions refilled. And I'm really really hoping that he doesn't have a bad attack when we're in London tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm hoping if we don't worry about it we'll be okay.

I'm due on my period any day now. I'm getting a little fed up with my ridiculous cycle. It's been 8 weeks since my last period. I seem to be on a 6/7 week cycle right now. On the one hand, it's nice going lots of time without having to worry about having a period but at the same time Carl keeps fussing that I might be pregnant and that annoys me.

Don't really know what to do today. I'm pretty much just killing time until Carl comes home.
I have been something of an ultrabitch for the last week or two. Incredibly short temper, everything making me angry. I realize this is absolutely something I need to change. On the way home tonight I was listening to my music and a Linkin Park song came on. It's been several years since I thought Linkin Park lyrics described how I felt, but this one honestly resonated: I don't know what's worth fighting for / Or why I have to scream / I don't know why I instigate / And say what I don't mean / I don't know how I got this way / I know it's not alright / So I'm breaking the habit / I'm breaking the habit tonight

So I decided not to worry so much about houses since I'm not being kicked out of mine anytime soon (thank god). I'm going to exercise more and I really need to keep working on not letting anger take over my life. It was my new years resolution last year and I am still working on it. It's probably something I will be working on my whole life. I have a wicked temper and always have done. But like Carl always tells me, I need to let go of the things that are out of my control. It's very good advice.

So tonight for the first time in a very long time, I did 20 situps. My abdominals burn! :)

ETA: Did a rest, had some food, watched some telly, and did 30 more situps and worked the lower abs as well. My abdominals feel like jelly!!
I am horribly, horrifically, completely homesick.

My sister got married this weekend. What feels like half the family weren't invited. Including me, my brother, and our dad. This upsets me quite a lot.

On top of that, my brother played a harmless prank which nevertheless feels like a punch in the guts. Put a note on facebook titled "coming to see you", filled it with airplane confirmation stuff, and tagged me in it. Turns out it's a joke but god, it hurts to have that hope crushed.
Carl is the best boyfriend ever.

He has clearly not been blind to the way his illness is affecting us, and has sworn to make it up to me. I have repeatedly said that its not something that needs making up, but he didn't listen.

Yesterday he came over after work. We watched Doctor Who (OMGAMAZING), then he booked a surprise while I took a shower, then he made me supper.

Supper, by the way, INCREDIBLE. Cheater stuffing (bake in the tray), dauphinoise potatoes (ready meal), cabbage cooked with pancetta (BACONCABBAGE NEW FAVOURITE THING), and chicken wrapped in bacon then roasted and basted in butter. Possibly the best meal I've ever had. Genuinely incredible.

Then, the surprise. He's in cohoots with our assistant manager, and booked us two days off. We're going to london, he's booked us tickets for the Doctor Who Experience, and tickets to Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

He wants me to type beans. so,beansbeansbeansbeansbeansbeansbeansbeans. I don't know, he was singing some sort of song at me.

I'm going to book a hotel room and we're hopefully going to do a museum the second day.

I'm really happy. My hope has been restored. But at the same time, he was being a dick today so I hit him with a book and later, punched him in the back of the head. He laughed about it though :D

May. 25th, 2011

Been reading through lists of how to deal with caring for someone with chronic pain. Because it is extremely difficult. I'm starting to lose hope and that's awful. I've never been very good at caring for myself and I'm not entirely sure how to go about caring for someone else.

It's impossible for me not to let his illness get to me. When he's in pain he's a different person. He snaps at me, he's mean, he's violent (though never against me, just walls and stuff). It's difficult to deal with and I've never had any healthy coping mechanisms for anything. All I know are the unhealthy ones like booze and self-harm. And that's not a road I'm going back down.

Right now I feel lost. I don't know what to do. I'm just pretending to have it all together. I'm not coping. I'm really not. I cry when I try to think of what to do. I fucking hate uncertainty and right now I have no idea what to do. I don't know if we're moving in together, if we do I don't know how we can afford it or where we're going to live. If we're not, I don't know where I'm going to live because I think my house is being taken over by students at the end of the year.

Everything is uncertain and that might be my least favourite thing. But hey who said life was easy right?
Carl's pills apparently have stopped working. He's taking proper strong doses of codeine and they are not helping his pain. Buggery.

One rather immediate side effect of this is that I am probably going to end up working his shift tomorrow when I'd really prefer the day off.

I'm really grouchy and fed up with life lately. I don't know why. But I'm really really grumpy tonight. This isn't like me at all. I will hopefully feel much better after eating, and I'm going to go make food as soon as my nails dry. I painted them purple to cheer myself up. It didn't work.

Carl had blood drawn yesterday and they're testing it. The next step is steroid injections and going to see a specialist. If they don't find a way to make him better I genuinely don't know what we're going to do. I love him so much and I firmly believe my future is with him. But I don't know how we're going to deal with this. When he is in pain, which is 90% of the time, he is a completely different person. This plus the extreme shortage of hours at work has put us moving in together in question. Which is incredibly stressful because I am trying to find us someplace to live and that's so difficult when we can a) barely afford it and b) don't know whether we're going to murder each other.

Also, house prices are FUCKING RIDUCULOUS. Beyond words. Two years ago, Arran and I found a nice one-bedroom flat for £550 ish. Now, I can barely even find a decent large house-share for £500 or less. All the one-bed flats I've seen are £700+ and even tiny crammed studios are £600 ish. And all the listings say no couples. And, this is my biggest peeve right now, if you find one that looks really nice, nobody bothers responding to your emails. I've sent out at least a dozen emails. Of the responses, one was listed incorrectly ("Oh that property is in Didcot," Really because it's listed as Abingdon!!), one wasn't for couples, one was so poorly spelt that I lost interest in living there, and one replied immediately, then when I asked for a viewing, fell silent for a full week and then told me the room was no longer available. Driving me crazy.


hum - cat haiku
Entitlement bitches need not apply

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