Hey I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun
Wait by the door and light a cigarette
If he wants a fight well now he's got one
And he ain't seen me crazy yet
He slapped my face and he shook me like a rag doll
Don't that sound like a real man?
I'm gonna show him what little girls are made of
Gunpowder and lead

-Miranda Lambert


No, don't say that you're sorry
And I won't say I told you so..

-Keith Urban


Feeling bitter today. better than depressed though.

Contemplating shutting down this journal. I don't read any of my communities anymore, and of the journals I actually would care to read, 99% of them don't update any more frequently than I do, which is to say, never.

( Pointless whinging )

Some days I am okay with my inability to conceive a child. Some days it hurts me so badly I want to scream. Various things set me off.. whether that be a pregnant woman on the street, someone breastfeeding in my cafe, or just browsing facebook and seeing just how many of my old classmates have kids now.

I want one. I am in a stable relationship, I have a steady income, I know the risks, I'm perfectly placed to have a baby. And I can't.




Yep. My crappy life in 30 seconds. Woo.

I have had a rubbish day.

A lot of times, in the past and even sometimes now, I've had people treat me like I'm dumb, or make me feel dumb. It happens. It sucks but I accept it as part of the consequences of having long blonde hair, big boobs, and something of a scattered brain. Sometimes someone assumes I'm dumb because i'm pretty, sometimes I genuinely have blonde moments and act like an idiot.

Never before, until today, have I actually had someone try to make me feel guilty for being smart. I have a very large vocabulary and I always have. I've never used big words to try to make myself feel superior and i've never tried to make someone feel bad about themselves simply because I'm better at spelling or grammar. I've never before had someone actually get angry with me for using "big words". It's a weird feeling.

I'm still not sure how to respond to it. It makes me angry, but also a little sad. Because it's a very defensive and petty thing to do, to lash out at someone because they know more than you do. I'm always glad to learn something new or to expand my horizons. But I guess not everyone is as open as I am.

Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it was all a misunderstanding because I'm stressed and tired. I don't know. But I don't think I'm wrong for being irritated.. am i? Or is it my fault that I've spent most of my life tied up in books and I use words like simper and obtuse in everyday conversation.. who knows.

Bad day. Meh.

I have no right to be this miserable. But I am in agony and it's my own fault.

FUCK OFF you paranoid dumbasses.

I feel about an inch tall tonight. Someone who claims to love me used me as a verbal whipping post, way more than has ever happened before especially considering the rather flimsy justification. There's so many things I could say, if I wanted to get myself angry I could probably rant and rave about the many and varied injustices that I let pass me by every day. But the truth is that I'm not angry and I don't want to be angry.

I just feel tired and sort of hopeless. It's one thing to have a bad day and take it out on your friends. It's another to constantly berate everyone around you for little to no justification.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what's going on in his head when he does this stuff. I wish I did but I don't. I can only guess, and none of my guesses are probably even remotely close to the truth. And that's ok I guess but it doesn't make it any easier on us when he's on the warpath.

I feel like I'm out of options.

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
Category	Your Score	Average
Self-Lovin'	36.7% When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself	64.6%
Shamelessness	50% It takes a couple of drinks	78.7%
Sex Drive	31.6% I got needs, baby, you gotta unnastan'!	77.1%
Straightness	5.4% Knows the other body type like a map	43.8%
Gayness	53.6% Had that experience at camp	83.6%
Fucking Sick	69% Dipped into depravity	89.8%
You are 42.97% pure Average Score: 72.3%
Take The Ultimate Purity Test and see how you match up! (By The Ferrett)

hehehehe.

tagged by greebo

a. People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blog and replace any question that they dislike with a new, original question.

b. Tag eight people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag who tagged you.

1. Where did your LJ handle come from?
Ahhh.. well, an honest answer so here we go: My ex used to claim/pretend/think he was a dragon. We used to have sex... are you getting where I'm coming from here? Great. Also, 7 is my lucky number.

2. If you could live in any book, which would it be?
I seriously don't know that I can pick just one. The Sword of Shadows series by JV Jones, and of course Harry Potter and the chronicles of Narnia, and although I realize this is cheating, any book set at the court of Henry VIII.

3. What is making you happy right now?
Right now like RIGHT now? Knowing that I've got great leftovers for lunch tomorrow, I've got comedy on the tv, I'm chatting to a friend, and I've got a really soft blanket around my shoulders.

4. What are you currently reading?
A Man Betrayed by JV Jones, Wicked by Gregory MaGuire, Duma Key by Stephen King, and a weird book called Historical Blunders.

5. Do you need music to study/write?
God, yes. Music is playing at basically all times.

6. Of all the people in your life, who is the one person you've you lost touch with that you wish you hadn't?
Sirena, from camp. I miss her.

7. What is the ugliest body part?
Genitals, without question.

8. Do you like gender politics?
What?

9. What is your favorite movie genre?
Fantasy/action

10. What was the last thing you ate today?
Supper! Beef in ale sauce, mashed potatoes, and green beans.

11. What is your favorite color?
Green.

12. How much money do you think you are worth?
About £5

13. What's your favorite food?
coq au vin, when i really take my time and make it properly.

14. Which languages do you wish you spoke?
german spanish italian french finnish hungarian japanese cantonese mandarin swahili afrikaans swedish quenya klingon.

15. What is your biggest pet peeve?
People who shop at Thorntons.

16. Do you have a birthmark?
a couple moles but no real birthmarks.

17. Who was your childhood idol?
If I had one I can't remember.. Bruce Lee maybe.

18. Where would you like your next holiday to be?
America!!

19. Who would play you in a movie?
Ooh.. Reece Witherspoon, I'd hope! or Ellen Page would be ok too.

20. Tell me something you love about the person who tagged you.
I hardly know him but he's a great friend.

Tag yourself.. most of you will do this without being tagged anyway because you're all survey whores.

I always write out posts longhand in notebooks and on bits of till reciept and then i forget to type them up and actually post them. Naughty me.

Also, someone on facebook has tagged a photo of my friend carl, looking UNBELIEVABLY young in school. It is seriously the most fucking adorable thing I've seen in ages, and definitely the curest i've ever seen him look.

I don't know whether to be calm, hurt, angry, or absolutely incandescent with rage.

Despite telling me frequently, over the last couple years, that we are not made of money (usually in explanation of why i cannot have one thing or another that I want), why then can he always find a spare couple of hundred pounds when he wants something new?

We couldn't afford a tumble dryer.. but we could afford the wii. We couldn't afford to go out to eat once a month.. but we could afford the playstation.

We can't afford any number of tiny things over the last couple months... but today his computer packs it in and LO AND BEHOLD we can easily afford for him to get a new one.


I'm so used to this kind of behavior that it doesn't even surprise me. All I can think of right now, is when is it going to be my turn? How long will it take before he thinks of me first?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

Happy fucking new year.

I am unhappy with 75% of my life, and the things I am happy with I can't even tell anyone about. Similarly I can't open up to anyone about the bad things, even to relieve some of my own pressures. I simply have to live with the fact that even if he doesn't see it, we're on thin ice. And that means that I'm on even thinner ice because my position here isn't steady yet.

I wish I could stop being cryptic and actually tell people what was going on. I wish I had the confidence to trust people with my problems. But I can't let anyone see what a complete hash I've made of things.

I don't update enough.

My mental status has been really really good lately. I feel good, i usually feel happy. All is well.

I wish I could accurately describe yesterday for you because it was just amazing in every way. But I'm running off 4 hours sleep and SO TIRED that i cant even function and that includes describing awesomely SWEET evenings with cool people who get drunk and go dancing.

So. Fuck ebay sellers who claim to be in the UK but actually ship from China. I do not need you or your beautiful green dress. I shall buy from another seller.

New favourite insult: "You look like someone set fire to your face and put it out with a bag of spanners."

Not much else going on. Yep.

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck.

I HATE EVERYONE ON EBAY.

Spousal visa: £295

Indefinite Leave to Remain: £750

British Naturalisation: £655

Not counting the ID card, the Life in the UK test, the passport photos, the copies of forms I need, etc etc.

Dear British Government,

STOP RAPING ME I DON'T LIKE IT.

Love,
Me.

So the disciplinary was yesterday. I dressed up in a suit with heels and did my hair nicely, wanted to go in looking confident and in control. The area manager didn't say a single thing I didn't expect, which was good because I had an answer for everything. I got let off with a verbal warning, and carl and harry got off with a written warning each. I'm very pleased about this.

I am glad not to be worrying about this anymore, it really does feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my mind and I feel happier than I have done in a couple weeks.

Now I am going to go make some breakfast.